Good Choices

Happy Friday and Happy Halloween to all! I'm not a huge fan of Halloween, especially this year since I will not be partaking in the candy-filled festivities (which, let's face it, is the BEST part of Halloween). I will try keep this short and sweet today.

Today I made good choices. A few people have told me to keep a food journal. I tried that at the beginning of the year and of course had to do it with Weight Watchers but I've had hard time sticking to it. But I know it's good to do so I'm trying it again. I'm going to really try to make it stick. Today I ate the things I wanted to eat, but really focused on portion control. This morning I just HAD to have a coffee so I went to Starbucks and got a skinny hazelnut latte (mmmmm) and a breakfast sandwich. For lunch, I had 2 slices of thin crust pizza. Having just 2 slices (of a 4 slice personal sized pizza) is a miracle. How did I do it?? I did what the experts tell you to do. I took off the extra grease. I ate slowly and enjoyed every bite. I added a side salad with balsamic vinaigrette. And I gave away the two last slices so I wouldn't tempt myself to eat the other two. I had a can of Coke Zero with it. Sorry folks, water just doesn't do it for me when eating pizza.  And when my co-worker came around with fun-size M&M bags, I thought to myself, "Don't eat it - save the calories for the yummy cupcake you made yesterday."And the cupcake was yummy. I ate just one and savored each bite.

Like I said yesterday, I knew I just had to go to the gym today. And the hubs and I did. At 9 pm, in the cold and rain. We did Day 1 of Week 3 of the Couch to 5K training. I am still getting the pain in my leg - which I know will take some time to go away - but I feel that my breathing is getting better. I didn't feel so winded this time. And that's a great feeling. While the hubs worked on his legs, I did another 30 mins on the elliptical. I loved every sweaty minute (sorry, didn't mean to gross you out).

The hubs and I will work out tomorrow morning. Probably just working out here at home. They're calling for a "wintry mix" here so we plan on staying home all day. I am looking forward to cuddling while finally catching up on all our TV shows. Can't wait for the DVR to be almost empty :-)

Hmm, ok, not so short but it was sweet. No bad feelings here!!!

Emotional Baking

2 posts in one day?! Wow - you guys are so incredibly lucky.

I'm in a better mood since earlier. I was feeling so down after work that I came directly home. I skipped my workout today. And you know what? I don't feel so bad about it. I think the enormous pressure I put on myself to lose the weight quickly by going to the gym everyday, even when I'm not mentally, physically, or emotionally prepared makes me feel like a prisoner. Today, I escaped my workout prison and it feels good. Good enough that I know I'll be back to it working out tomorrow. It's nice to refresh every now and then.

When I got home, I immediately put on my apron and got to work on making dinner for myself. I made chicken enchiladas with a sour cream sauce. It ain't no "Rio Grande" but it was delish enough for me (and pretty easy to make). After dinner, I decided to make some cupcakes. Well, truthfully, I decided to make cupcakes even before I left work today.

Lately, cooking and baking have been cathartic. I've come to really enjoy doing it. If you told me I would feel this way a year ago, I would have laughed in your face. I used to hate cooking. I think it was more the prep and the aftermath. I hated the chopping, measuring, and cleaning. And now, I find it quite relaxing. But only if I'm cooking for me and the hubs. If I have to cook for other people, I break into a cold sweat. I'm a strict recipe follower. Because my love of cooking and baking is so new, I'm not confident enough to start experimenting on my own. And when my food doesn't taste or look the way I want it to, I get disappointed. And I'm also a perfectionist, so having other people disappointed makes me even sadder.

But I digress. Back to the cupcakes. I have yet to eat one - but I will of course (just one!). I made light vanilla cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I did tweak the frosting based on some of the reviews and added a lot less sugar than it called for. I wanted to make these rainbow cupcakes but I only had blue and green food coloring so I made "Mediterranean Sea" cupcakes since that's what the colors of the cupcakes remind me of. I think they turned out pretty. Here they are without frosting.

But let's face it, cupcakes without frosting are not complete. So I had to frost them. I bought a new frosting "gun" from Home Goods a little while ago and finally got to use it. And I found out, I am no cupcake artist. Sigh. Oh well, at least the frosting made it to the cupcakes! I guess I'll just need some practice. I ran out of frosting (I only made about half of the recipe) so two lucky (or unlucky depending on how you feel about frosting) people will get very pretty cupcakes.

Like I said in my last post, I will not let myself be an emotional eater any longer. But I think I am now an emotional baker. Some people paint, some people read, some people nap, others exercise but I bake. And when we get our own house, whenever that may be, maybe I'll craft too. The funny thing is, now that the baking is all finished and the overwhelming emotion I was feeling earlier has passed, I have no desire to eat the cupcakes...ok, well, maybe just one.

BTW, I am only 26. But this post makes me feel like I'm 26 going on 40.

I Used to be Fat

Let me preface this post by letting you know it's going to be an emotional one. And probably long. Sorry folks. Maybe it's this gloomy Forks-like weather we are having today.

I'm overweight. Duh, it's totally obvious. I'm not morbidly obese but I'm not where I want to be. The hubby and I were watching MTV's "I Used to be Fat" the other day. I like this show - maybe because I can relate with the teens going through the "getting un-fat" process. It's hard. It sucks. Results can come slowly. And sometimes (most times) it make you want to cry. But it was the trainer that episode who said something that really stuck with me. (I'm paraphrasing here...)

Trainer: Why is food such a comfort?

Mom: Because it's always there. For happy or sad occassions.

Trainer: If food is such a comfort, are you comfortable?

Mom: (who is overweight and with tears in her eyes) No.

I am emotional. I wear my emotions on my face (except when I play poker), my heart on my sleeve and have a very high EQ (look it up). So it's only natural that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy to celebrate. I eat when I'm sad to make me feel better. I eat when I'm bored because it's something to do. Food was a friend that was always there to help me through my problems. But the problem with emotional eating? The emotions don't go away after the food is gone. I'm still happy/sad/bored once my plate is empty. Sometimes, after my hunger was satiated, regret or shame or guilt joined the emotion party. Food was a "comfort" that made me completely uncomfortable with myself.

I have been reading Can You Stay for Dinner? and her weightloss journey. I love the way she writes, mainly because it's exactly how I think. She has such a wonderful way of writing how being fat growing up shaped her and how, even after losing 135 lbs, she is still the same "fat" girl she always has been. How getting to "skinny" wasn't any more freeing than fat was. How being skinny didn't help her in realizing her dreams anymore than being fat did. How being skinny wasn't the end all.

She made the point that you have to take it day by day. It does make the journey harder thinking, "I have to get there in x amount of time or I'll be a failure." Or "I can never eat x, y, z because I will never lose the weight that way." I need to learn portion control and in the long run, self control. If I want a piece of chocolate, I'll have one piece - just not the entire bar. I can have fast food and cupcakes, just not every week or month. Being healthy doesn't mean that I can't have the things I like to eat ever, for the rest of eternity. Day by day, food will no longer have the power I let it have over me. And the feeling of dread when thinking of working out will be gone.

It didn't take a day to put on. It will take more to take off. I don't want this journey to be about deprivation. I want it to be about finding myself. Finding what's right for me. Finding balance.

I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to (and will) look back and say, "Yeah, I used to be fat. But being "skinny" doesn't change me as a person. I'm still me. It just changed the way I look."

Waste Basket

This is something I should keep in mind when choosing my food. My head and my stomach are often at odds with each other. Last night after Body Flow, the hubs and I went to Chipotle (yes, again) for dinner. I had another chicken burrito - ugh, just can't say no to the tortilla! - and tried the brown rice this time. It was soooooo good. The hubs said he could taste a difference but personally I think it was all mental. Definitely doing the brown rice over the white rice going forward.

Anyone remember that scene in Clueless (one of the greatest movies of all time) where Cher talks to Dionne about going to gym class and then rattled off what she had eaten for the day? 

"I feel like such a heifer. I had 2 bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&Ms, and like 3 pieces of licorice."

Every time I think about what I have eaten for the day, I think of this scene. Especially since there is a little (almost empty) canister of peanut M&Ms sitting on my desk. Don't worry, the canister was never FULL of M&Ms. LOL. I told myself I would make good choices today...and so far I have done all right. I finally did my Shakeology this morning - 2 scoops of shakeology mix, a handful of ice, and a little over a cup of almond milk - for breakfast. It was surprisingly yummy. It kept me pretty full and alert for a while. I had a banana as a mid-morning snack. I had brought a TV dinner for lunch but it looked like it had gone bad. I really wanted to get a thin-crust pizza or hot dog for lunch but decided the sodium content was too high and not worth it since I'm already feeling super bloated. So I went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch and bought a chargrilled chicken wrap. My sister and friend Katie keep telling me that they're good but I never tried it because a cold wrap doesn't sound all too delicious. Well, I was wrong. It was pretty good - and filling because I only ended up eating half. I will eat the other half for dinner. I had a cup of green tea (one of my goals) and have been drinking a ton of water too. I did let myself have a bowl Pirate's Booty (a mix of 3 different kinds) because I am craving salty things. Pirate's Booty is fairly healthy so I figured this was OK. I also had 3 peanut M&Ms. My afternoon snack will be carrots and dip. But now I feel like someone doused my water with sleeping medication because I am so sleeply all of a sudden. I feel like I need caffeine. Maybe I can have a Diet Coke? I know, I know - cutting soda was one of my goals. Baby steps, my friends. Baby steps.

Sweat Is Fat Crying

I love that saying. But lately, my fat hasn't been crying all that much. Guess I've been too nice to it. I go through bouts of incredible motivation where I feel like NOTHING can stop me. And then once that starts to wane, I camp out at Unmotivated Ranch for a while. Today, I am so unmotivated - and bloated. If you are a woman, you will probably understand why. I think this week will be tough.

Last night I went to bed in my workout clothes. I figured, if I did this, I would be less likely to turn off my alarm and go back to sleep since I was already dressed. It worked. I got out of bed at 5:50 and went downstairs to do my TAM. I got through the MS (muscular structure) part which is the first 30 mins but couldn't get through any of the cardio. I think that's what's so hard about working out in the AM. My body is still cold so it's hard to get through it all, even though I turn on the space heater to get my body used to working. So instead of doing the DC (dance cardio), I went upstairs and cooked breakfast for me and the hubs. The hubs actually got up with me to work out (he did his p90x). We had 2 slices of bacon each, eggs, and I had a couple slices of toast. I needed fuel and at the time hard-boiled eggs and oatmeal did not sound good. I am going to the gym after work to do some running on the treadmill so I figured it was an OK substitute for my missed DC this morning. The hubs and I are also doing the Body Flow class. I'm looking forward to it - I need a GOOD stretch. 

On a separate note, I was reading an article yesterday on how to slim your calves. I have very large, muscular calves. I love that they're muscular but hate how bulky they are. And they bulk up quickly. When I get compliments on them, they are always from men who wish they had calves like mine. Not so much a compliment. And I can never wear cute knee high boots. So apparently, I have been doing all the wrong workouts. The article said:

1) Do not walk on the balls of your feet. I walk this way because I often get pain in the heels of my feet. 

2) Run. And run slower for longer distances with little resistance. I hate long distance running - but I'm trying to learn to like it. When on the elliptical, I up the resistance to make me feel like I'm working.

3) Avoid incline workouts. Eff. I do the "3x fat burner" exercise on the treadmill at the gym which basically consists of incline walking for 30 mins. 

4) Avoid high-impact jumping movements. I love jump roping. And TAM DC is pretty much 30 straight minutes of jumping around like an idiot. I can also do a ton of jumping jacks. Crap.

Sigh. Guess I'll need to find some new ways to get fit. Or just accept the fact that I will always have "calves like tree trunks".

Case of the Mondays

Monday again. Where does the time go? Had a super great weekend and as always, I am sad to see it end. I was unable to "Get the bleep out of bed" this morning to workout since the hubs and I went to bed around midnight. I was running late so I had no time to make my shakeology (I'm trying it out for 7 days). Looks like I'll workout after work and try the shakeology tomorrow. Instead I had a sausage-egg sandwich on wheat - probably a lot of cals but was yummy and I really wanted a hearty breakfast since I got too little sleep. I need the energy. Anyway, here's a weekend recap.

Saturday: The hubs and I went hiking with my friend Miogs at Great Falls. It wasn't an easy hike with all the rocks and tree roots along the trail, especially since they were covered with mud and leaves - making it a rather treacherous hike. We did the 4.48 mile hike in about 2 hours. Took a while but it was really great exercise. After the hike, the hubs and I ate Chipotle for lunch. I got a chicken burrito (the tortilla makes it a lot cals but it was soooo yummy) and Chipotle now offers brown rice. I didn't try it this time but will definitely next time. After lunch, we went outlet shopping for about 4 hours. Hehe! I couldn't find any workout clothes I really liked (bummer) but spent all my money on clothes for work and a beautiful, but totally unnecessary, Kate Spade bag. Hey, we only live once right? Needless to say, it felt really good to go home at the end of the day and put our feet up.

Sunday: Since I was hubby-less that day, I ate terribly at Fortune (Chinese dim-sum) with my family and had a mango boba afterwards. YUM. After lunch, I went to the mall with my sister and nieces. No workout clothes there either. Sigh. My sister said I have plenty of workout clothes (I have about 8 full outfits). I need more sports bras for sure but they do not make great ones for anyone over a B cup. Like the hubs said "having big boobs is not a bad problem to have"...unless you're looking for a supportive sports bra! After the mall I spent the rest of the day being a domestic housewife. I did all our laundry (woop!) and cooked a healthy dinner...that only I ate. The hubs brought food from his parents' house and ate that. Sigh. At least it was good and I brought some for lunch today. I will probably put this into dinner rotation since it requires little ingredients and is fairly healthy and tasty. 

Back to the workout grind today.

WebMD Is Not Doctor

They always tell you to never google your symptoms because your symptoms could be a result of a myriad of  things. But today my right ankle and leg hurt still so I WebMD'd "ankle pain" and tried to not jump to any conclusions. I know it's definitely not broken and not a result of a terminal illness so I think I might have a slight ankle strain or tendonitis. There isn't swelling (that I can see at least) or bruising so it's probably just a side effect of all the extra cardio I have been doing lately. It also could be because when we ran the other day, I wore my old Brooks and they were probably too worn out to give much ankle support and I could have possibly put too much pressure on my ankle. Guess I should have worried more about how running in old shoes would affect my body and less about my nice, new(er) shoes getting ruined from the rain. Lesson learned. 

WebMD did offer some ways to avoid ankle injuries:

- "Avoid exercising or playing sports when you are tired or in pain." Sound advice.

- "Exercise every day." Hmm...even if I am in pain or tired?

- "Try to avoid falling." Oh, I should AVOID falling. Ok, got to remember that...

- "Run on flat surfaces." But the Earth is round, not flat. I think Christopher Columbus taught us that.

Anyway, looks like today I will need to RICE my ankle - Rest, Ice, Compress (wrap) and Elevate. I guess today is an obligatory rest day. Boo :-( Maybe I'll RICE it after I stretch it out at the mall........I should probably get a second pair of running shoes* anyway! :-)

*I do have a second pair of running shoes - Nike AirMax 2011 - but I use them for my TAM DC. Because I do the DC at home in the basement, they are strickly my "indoor" shoes. So I need a second pair of outdoor running shoes :-)

UPDATE:  After work, the hubs and I went to Potomac River Running in Reston. I love specialty running stores. Let me tell you - Meghan, the store manager knew her ish. She said I had tendonitis and that she has the same problem often. I felt like she knew my issues before me even telling her! Instead of pushing me to get a new shoe, she suggested I buy a pair of insoles that have a 60-day guarantee. If I don't like them, I can return them (even if I have run them into the ground) within 60 days. She watched me run on the treadmill and told me that my running form was fine but I had a little wobble in my foot. She said over-pronating was totally normal for people who are just getting into running since my legs are not that strong yet. I am still experiencing pain and did not do any running this weekend (but did a TON of walking). She said it took her like 3 weeks for the pain to subside. 3 WEEKS?! I don't have three weeks! So looks like I'll need to hit up Target and get more Aspercreme and Advil :-)

Get the *bleep* out of BED!

This is exactly what I need to do every morning. So last night I made myself a copy of this and taped it onto the ceiling above my side of the bed. I asked the hubs if he wanted one too and he promptly said "no". Lazy ass....Anyway, it worked. This morning, my alarm went off at 5:30 am. I snoozed (oops) and got up at 5:50 - still better than my normal wake up time of 7:20. I got dressed and went downstairs and did my entire TAM workout! I even did the DC - yay me! However, I had to step-touch through all of the moves due to extreme pain in my leg (seriously - this is not an excuse). I always read on the TAM FB page that step-touching the moves will still make you sweat and I never believed them, until this morning. I had so much energy this morning from the workout but still stopped at Starbucks for a Tall Skinny Hazelnut Latte before work because I really wanted one. YUM. The energy has pretty much lasted all day so I think this whole "workout in the morning" routine may stick. 

My food intake has been pretty good today. While I rested my feet after my workout, I made hard-boiled eggs for breakfast. My snack was a banana. I had a side salad and half a chicken salad sandwich for lunch. Not the greatest nutritionally but wanted this so much. To keep me from eating the whole sandwich, I gave half to Joyce (my co-worker) - such a good idea. Half a sandwich is more than enough but I always end up eating the whole thing because I don't want to waste half a sandwich! I drank about 1/4 of my diet coke before chucking it. My afternoon snack was a slice of white whole wheat bread with some organic PB. And how much water are you supposed to consume a day? 8-8 oz glasses? 8-10 oz glasses? 6-8oz glasses? Well either way I think I hit it. I'm on my 5th-16 oz cup of water, not including the water I had after my workout. Woot.

Yesterday the hubs and I did our day 2 of week 2 of the Couch-to-5k training. It was raining yesterday when we both got home from work. I've always wanted to run in the rain - so we did! We probably will not do it again, unless it's just misting. It was invigorating but made it a little hard to run. I kept feeling like I might fall but at the same time I felt like quite the bad-ass for running in the rain. We started with our 5 minute brisk walk then began our run. Guess I did not stretch enough because a few paces in I was getting a shooting pain in my leg. But I kept telling myself "no excuses" so I ran/walked through it. But a mile in, the pain was excruciating. While Jay continued to run, I had to walk it out. By the end of the quarter of the second mile, I felt like I could barely walk. My legs were shaking and I had to hold onto something to keep myself from falling over. We went home after that - which was perfect timing because it was getting super dark and the raining started to come down harder. I took an 800 mg ibuprofen (a regular dose is between 200-400 mg), put Aspercreme all over my legs, and put my feet up. This morning my legs were a lot less stiff than normal. Guess that stuff really works! There's no swelling or bruising but I feel like I should see a doctor for this pain - it's become more frequent.

No pain, no gain. 

Every DAMN Day

This has got to be my new motto. It's a dreary day here in VA and when it's this depressing out I want to do one of two things: 1) get in my pajamas, get under the covers and never leave or 2) shop shop shop. Today, I will be doing neither. I resisted the temptation of online shopping. I did ask the hubs to go to the outlets today because I want to look for workout clothes. He agreed...then I got to thinking. Crap, how will I fit in a workout? This is how out text convo went:

Me: Want to go to the outlets?
Hubs: Not really. But we can go if we run first.

Me: Ok! Or we can run around the outlets.

Hubs: Ha.

Me (20 minutes later): Nevermind. Let's just workout.

Hubs: Why?

Me: Cuz if we go shopping, I won't workout. I already know.

Hubs: Good Call.

I am kind of proud of myself for deciding to not go shopping because I do know that a workout will not be "fit" in. Every time we make a plan to workout after we do something, we always get too tired/lazy to actually hit the gym. That cycle ends today :-)

Today is Day 2 of Week 2 of the Couch-to-5K training. Since it's not raining (at this very moment at least), I will ask the hubs to run on the track instead of hitting the gym to run. I need to get used running outside and in the cold. Running on the treadmill is always so much easier for me...and it's extremely boring and unmotivating. I also plan on doing my TAM as soon as I get home. I hope to get some of the Dance Cardio (DC) in today since I haven't really done any since I restarted TAM but figured my 5k training can maybe take place of the DC.

Yesterday was a fairly good workout day. I did my TAM (no DC as I previously stated) but then did an hour of Body Flow at the gym. I LOVE this class - a mix of tai chi, yoga, and pilates. I work up a sweat, stretch out all my soreness, and feel so incredibly relaxed when class is over. Plus I kind of like the music that the instructor chooses. I do really need to work on my eating habits though. I am trying to incorporate a side salad with every lunch and eat one banana everyday. I drink a ton of water and have been cutting back on coffee and soda. I need to figure out how to get more fruits and veggies in my diet. Blech.

Starting Over

The picture above is my inspiration. I started this journey in June and was doing great...up until about a month ago. I took a break because I was feeling sick, was busy with work, and then went on vacation - I know, EXCUSES. A month of inactivity and not making the right food choices lead to a 4 pound weight gain. I'm still down a total of 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. That's something I'm proud of. I have about 30 more pounds I want to  lose - and I will lose it.

I had started doing TAM (Tracy Anderson Method) and Weight Watchers. I was doing great on TAM until the month of neglect so I had to completely restart the method. A little discouraging since I was already on level 6. I tried picking back up where I left off but my body wasn't strong enough so I made the tough - and wise - decision to start over. I forgot how completely tiring the first level is! Oh well, I got through it once - and I will get through it again. Only this time, I will finish. As for WW, I found it too hard to do by myself. I have a deal with the hubs - if we are both still really overweight by the new year, we will join together. Obviously I hope we don't have to join up in January but it would be nice to have someone else to share the experience with.

So this time around, I'm SERIOUSLY keeping myself accountable. I printed monthly calendars where I track my workouts. They say that it's 80% what you eat and 20% working out - crap. Jay got me a mixer for my birthday so I have been itching to make delicious baked goods. I still will - I will just have to keep myself to eating one and have him bring the rest to work so they're not in the house to tempt me. I have decided to run a 5k in January and am registering for it this week. I found a Couch-to-5K running plan and have been following it. It has you run three times a week for 9 weeks. The goal is to be able to run for 30 minutes straight by the end of it. I'm on week 2. I'm actually liking it - running outside is nice but it's starting to get cold so it's time to start looking for light workout gear that will still keep me warm.

Under Armour outlet here I come...