I Used to be Fat

Let me preface this post by letting you know it's going to be an emotional one. And probably long. Sorry folks. Maybe it's this gloomy Forks-like weather we are having today.

I'm overweight. Duh, it's totally obvious. I'm not morbidly obese but I'm not where I want to be. The hubby and I were watching MTV's "I Used to be Fat" the other day. I like this show - maybe because I can relate with the teens going through the "getting un-fat" process. It's hard. It sucks. Results can come slowly. And sometimes (most times) it make you want to cry. But it was the trainer that episode who said something that really stuck with me. (I'm paraphrasing here...)

Trainer: Why is food such a comfort?

Mom: Because it's always there. For happy or sad occassions.

Trainer: If food is such a comfort, are you comfortable?

Mom: (who is overweight and with tears in her eyes) No.

I am emotional. I wear my emotions on my face (except when I play poker), my heart on my sleeve and have a very high EQ (look it up). So it's only natural that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy to celebrate. I eat when I'm sad to make me feel better. I eat when I'm bored because it's something to do. Food was a friend that was always there to help me through my problems. But the problem with emotional eating? The emotions don't go away after the food is gone. I'm still happy/sad/bored once my plate is empty. Sometimes, after my hunger was satiated, regret or shame or guilt joined the emotion party. Food was a "comfort" that made me completely uncomfortable with myself.

I have been reading Can You Stay for Dinner? and her weightloss journey. I love the way she writes, mainly because it's exactly how I think. She has such a wonderful way of writing how being fat growing up shaped her and how, even after losing 135 lbs, she is still the same "fat" girl she always has been. How getting to "skinny" wasn't any more freeing than fat was. How being skinny didn't help her in realizing her dreams anymore than being fat did. How being skinny wasn't the end all.

She made the point that you have to take it day by day. It does make the journey harder thinking, "I have to get there in x amount of time or I'll be a failure." Or "I can never eat x, y, z because I will never lose the weight that way." I need to learn portion control and in the long run, self control. If I want a piece of chocolate, I'll have one piece - just not the entire bar. I can have fast food and cupcakes, just not every week or month. Being healthy doesn't mean that I can't have the things I like to eat ever, for the rest of eternity. Day by day, food will no longer have the power I let it have over me. And the feeling of dread when thinking of working out will be gone.

It didn't take a day to put on. It will take more to take off. I don't want this journey to be about deprivation. I want it to be about finding myself. Finding what's right for me. Finding balance.

I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to (and will) look back and say, "Yeah, I used to be fat. But being "skinny" doesn't change me as a person. I'm still me. It just changed the way I look."